i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
