I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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