in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Come see our sink grown plant.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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