if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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