I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
