that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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