Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I woke up under a house in Key West
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