I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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