Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
