Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
