The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you never un-have a 4some
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
