Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
