my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
