You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
