when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize