I'm sorry my penis didn't work
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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