I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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