I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
