How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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