Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
