Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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