I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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