I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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