At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
