Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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