Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
