Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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