How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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