I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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