Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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