Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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