You smell like a Billy Joel song
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Even my vagina gasped.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
