My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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