got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
