Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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