While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
