yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you will always have a special place in my vag
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
