at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
