god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
