dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
