His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Fuck me I smell like cheese
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
