I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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