During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
