I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize