You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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