I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So vagazzling was a success
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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