Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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