apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
