I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
