you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Someone came in the potted fern
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
