2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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