No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
