i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
