John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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