Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
