I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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