He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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