4 words: hood of his car
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
