In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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