i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
