big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
