My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
